Journaling The Shift

Chapter 1

Saturday, August 17, 2019

I won’t be coming on another trip with John. I just don’t fancy being ignored and bossed around and not talked to. Rose doesn’t join with anything and when she speaks it’s rarely fun. Nothing of import is spoken about. The conversations run on food and best drinks to get or yogurt or anything else. Gina speaks only when she’s in the mood. I did have a good time with Eli and Jenny, Ben and Gen. The adults were disconnected and snide or just ignored you. It’s so weird to me the way people interact. Actually they don’t interact. I used to think it was me, but it’s not. I went to Jim’s place, he had his daughter and her two gorgeous girlfriends there and Jim didn’t spend time with me. His dog, Ollie got sick of Ajax so there was that too. I don’t blame Olley because Ajax sure is relentless and has boundless energy. He’s such a titan though and he was pretty good with Olley, a true mentor. They were humping each other like nobody’s business, it was unwatchable, but they seemed to like it and Olley kept going back for more. I think he needed more breaks than Ajax. I had to turn away, they were going hell for leather and I just had to have faith they’d work it out themselves.

Right now I feel a little disappointed after last night. It was lovely last night though and a great thought to hold dear. We got on pretty well together and when I was leaving, he held me and kissed me tenderly. It was really nice, but I had to go because Ajax was just too much for Olley. Olley was ultra grateful to me that I held Ajax off. The two of them are so cute. But I think Olley has gone off Ajax a fair bit. When Jim kissed me, we were huddled together with the two dogs and it was all of us in one big loving embrace.

I feel so disconnected from everyone.

His daughter and her friends were primary on his mind. It was like I wasn’t even there today. He was nice about it of course. But what they were talking about made me feel very alone. I just don’t fit in with the pretending game of college, and all the things I now can see through.

It would be very nice if he would take a walk over to our campsite to see me but that seems fantastical, not that I don’t think fantastical can happen. I’m out here on the beach under the shelter and writing this because I got kicked out of my bed because Rose is sleeping here tonight. I don’t mind that but Sharon (the mother of one of the mentally-challenged who this camping vacation is all for) wanted to go to sleep and John said I could work on the bunk bed. Well I can’t, it’s just too cramped and his cavalier attitude about my comfort really put me off this trip.

Last night when I went to bed I couldn’t sleep because I thought of all the ironies and synchronicities of everyone and everything — meeting someone who could be my future beloved, on a vacation that John had asked me on; John wanting to keep me and Chris together; Chris feeling like second fiddle (deservedly so after how he has treated me) I even thought lovingly of Rose and Gina and John. Eli told me tonight he is going to miss me. Oh he could be such a great kid if only he wasn’t yelled at. John thinks that slapping is a method and I find it really unpleasant that he thinks like that.

Another good thing was Jim coming to see me yesterday and today with his daughters. That really was uplifting. After leaving him last night, I was pretty high and feeling really groovy over that kiss. He is very personable and friendly but he didn’t give loyalty to be with me even when we met another camper here who we stopped to talk with. I love talking to people but he seems to put them first.

Of course this is all alright because life goes on. Some little surprises though brief are better than nothing. I still have a lot to look forward to with Amanda. I hope we hit it off well.

Last night I really thought Jim and I were a lovely match and I wanted to get to know him better. I’m making excuses about his daughters. Something may have changed in his mind. Or not. Who knows?

I could see he had that typical male habit of not asking questions and of speaking of himself all the time. I spoke about myself too because otherwise we would have been talking about him the whole time. I had it in my mind to get him used to me early. And this is as it should be — yes. Even though many fall by the wayside, it’s better to know it right away, as soon as possible.

His daughter and her friends were absolutely gorgeous — maybe he likes the attention of women. Like Neil did. But then, who doesn’t? Tonight I wanted to go out in the storm with him under an umbrella but they were all huddled inside playing on their cell phones. Everyone here was doing that. What is the point of coming to Lake Winniepausaki to vacation, after all the trouble it takes to get things ready, only to play on your cell phone? Jim wasn’t doing that but like everyone he would check one thing or another on it occasionally. I hardly spent any time at all on the computer and hardly any on the internet. I spent time on the computer writing, which is a good thing. It’s 11:30 pm right now and even though I didn’t get much sleep last night, I don’t feel tired. I did sleep in till 11:30 am this morning so maybe that is why.

I cannot get over how selfish everyone is. It totally affronts me. I have no idea how to go about life with this phenomenon. I know Alex B will understand. The thing is it’s probably a myth to expect everything from one person. We are too complex to derive any satisfaction from one person. I have heard that some couples are like that — completely happy with each other but I am yet to experience that for very long. I would like to feel connection. I haven’t thought of Chris much because it is too painful so I use those thoughts to recalibrate to the thoughts that I want. But there is always that thing called reciprocation. I don’t want to adjust myself too much. I am happy the way I am. I know there are very few people who can “grok” me and that’s alright. We are all here to be our true selves. Most people haven’t got the foggiest clue who they are — their identity is wrapped up in their profession or their job. They’ve never given themselves the time to truly explore who they really are, without all the layers.

I can see that Jim is fully in the system. Well he does see lots of flaws but he doesn’t understand what it’s really about. He’s just skimming the surface. He certainly doesn’t know it as deeply as I do. Listening to the girls talking about sorority and all that college stuff was painful. I was thinking “really, do you not see and understand the world so much that this is important to you?”

I’ve enjoyed not being online for this two week vacation. I’m wondering how much has changed online. Online is very different to real life. I miss the people I converse with but even many of them get shitting so quickly. I need to find my niche. But I am trusting the universe and continuing with this experiment. Ajax and I are in this together. Boy I learned so much about him during that time with Olley. Trying to get used to not thinking about tomorrow and the disappointment of tonight. Luckily I had the storm to watch. I can see everyone is very disconnected. They are finding things to fill in their voids. They have no idea how powerful they are or question this reality. It really does not matter about Jim because if there is the will, he will find a way. I don’t have to worry about a thing. But I don’t want to go to bed yet. It’s getting a bit cold here though. I wore Jenny’s shoes as mine were soaking wet and very unpleasant to wear.

Jim didn’t want to dance with me because he thought his daughter may be embarrassed. That tells me a lot about him. He is a person who follows the rules. Oh and another thing I saw in my intentional dreams last night was that he wants to be with me so badly that he wants to join an ecovillage with me. He is in the medical profession. I spoke to him about natural cures. I wonder what his thinking is like, being in the medial profession an all. He wanted to keep his marriage going that is a good thing. I really don’t know much about him, but that memory of his sweet kiss is a nice memory to dwell on.

This vacation was a bit of a nightmare but during the experience, I learned how to keep myself together. I felt awkward like I used to long ago but it was mild and I have plenty of confidence to make up for any kinks in the conditioning where it may occasionally rear its head. All the time though I feel good about myself and can see that the behavior of others is very disconnected to a belief in sovereignty. Sovereignty is extremely important to get to learn. I should put a course together on it. Oh how I’d love that. Imagine — teaching sovereignty as a course. That would put it in the arena so that people could learn about this whole new concept. Where would I begin with it? What a great thing to think about.

This is not camping to me. The luxury that everyone has here spoils the whole idea of camping. Why the heck would you collect all this stuff and cart it across the state or across states, only to be around everyone doing the same thing you do at home? It’s really stupid to me. I don’t understand it.

Sharon was talking about the movie Stargate or the series I’m not sure which. John and she were talking about certain people who are from another time and place and they are here to do something but they don’t know they’re like that. I wondered if I might be something like that. I look around and I see zombies who have no idea what is being done to them and to others. As long as everyone has their nice clothes and toys, everyone is happy enough. They talk about nonsense when so much is going on. It would be ok to talk about those things if the world were happy and going well but it’s in total disaster and yet the conversations never talk about that.

When I was thinking about Jim last night I recalled a movie that Chris and I watched together — about a couple that bought a restaurant together. I can’t remember much else about it only that they ended up doing starting the restaurant together through many hardships and being blissfully happy. Maybe that’s Hollywood playing tricks with our minds again.

It was interesting tonight that Jim and his girls talked about the discrimination at Brandeis university towards Christians. That is very interesting.

When I went to his campsite and it was raining and they were inside, they were drinking marguerita’s and wine. I can’t stand alcohol now that I know about it but my body doesn’t like it either. He probably thinks I’m areal wowser. Oh well. Last night I was wondering how I would get him to understand the things I do. It may be too unreal.

Chapter 2

There’s a part of my life I can only now speak about. It’s only been about 4 months altogether not a great deal of time. But the gyrations of that time left my head spinning. This part of my life seemed to have been inserted in and pulled right back out like a CD in a player machine. I do not know its significance. But everything has changed since it touched my life.

Where to start? Should I mention the two years living with Chris attempting to make an intentional community in a trailer park? This dream we both shared. My dream to return to community and a start to what I envisioned could be the start of the first “node” of Synergy Nation? Should I mention the deep sense of defeat and disappointment that saturated my emotions almost daily, dealing with Chris’s jealousy, competitiveness and belligerence towards me?

’Cause there was that. And the constant to-ing and fro-ing of him wanting me with him then evicting me from the premises. Even now it shakes me to the core. I’ll know I’ve transcended it when that chord doesn’t sound anymore.

Should I start by mentioning the years I have been on this odyssey to get off the system? I’ve actually walked the walk as they say, it was more of a tightrope than a walk. It’s been hair-raising to say the least but at the same time I am testing a theory of mine which is why we are here.

One thing I want you to really understand is my deep, deep, determination to do whatever I can to bring about a new system. I understand it must come “organically” if it is to be in alignment with earth who I often call “mother”. She doesn’t like a capital M, she likes acknowledgment not worship. She revels in acknowledgment as many elementals do. They are the polar side of evil.

I see the destruction of the earth as being caused by the apparatus of money. Therefore I use money as sparingly as possible. I don’t have a bank account. I set off on this odyssey to see what it would be like without the clutter of money inside my brain. Because I truly believed there must be more to the beauty that’s obvious all around us, there must be more and we know there is, and now that we also know that we only use a fraction of our capacities. What are we not using? I knew I was being like an explorer that used to set out to explore different lands on the seas that were thought of as flat and thus prone to going over the edge. That was probably something they told us just to keep us scared about venturing like they told us about premarital sex being “sinful”. Just like an explorer I set out to find out if my hunch that there actually is more to this “realm” than what we’ve been told, was accurate.

Thinking of myself as an explorer lifted my spirits and I knew that our attitude, our vibration is everything. It is our thoughts that generate the kind of attitude we keep and the kind of emotion too. We’re taught to think we are not “in control of” our emotions but I have experimented with this and found it to be false. We very much influence our emotions. We can “tame” them and I have worked with this myself so I can speak from experience. I have released jealousy and envy and I am not plagued by them anymore. It came from a decision, simply making a decision. Because people don’t think they can, they never try. This condition is one that we need to be aware of. By dismissing the possibility of something, we literally cut it off from ever being a reality. Many thoughts of impossibilities have proven incorrect. If my hunch was accurate, and we do live in a realm of imagination, then I was going to imagine only good things.

That doesn’t mean either that we must not entertain a “negative” thought or idea, that would be giving negativity far too much power over us, if we’re scared of it, scared of how it may twist us. It’s the ratio of time given to our thoughts that have a greater bearing. If we think of negative things more than the positive, we then leave less room for the positives to take root.

One of the most profound quotes I have held dear since I read it was by Stephen Paul (or Paul Steven — my apologies I keep mixing it up) “The space for what you want is filled with what you settle for instead”. That quote has lifted me so many times. So I made space for the good stuff by removing the old stuff. I didn’t pay my mortgage, I closed my bank accounts, I used as little of earth’s resources as I could, not living austerely but frugally, yet still using what I needed. I wasn’t extravagant with anything. The taking of earth’s resources to me was the most logical reason for a currency, nothing else could make more sense. Although other reasons could certainly be adopted if communities or humanity wanted to arrange it that way, it’s purely a construct. Some other bases for economies may make sense too such as marijuana or cannabis (both marijuana and hemp) Marijuana makes more sense because it has to be grown in greenhouses now since the liberation of hemp, cross pollination can occur thus reducing THC levels.

I don’t purport to know anything, but I do try my best to live in the way that supports my belief systems. That means if I believe we are sovereign then I have to act like we are — right? So how would those actions be? This all has to be imagined and that’s what I use a lot of — my imagination. There is always something else we can come up with even when we feel we’re up against the wall.

I can’t help feeling galled that some people think they can tell other people what to do. Humans tell other creatures what to do as well. Listen to how most humans talk to their pets — their best friends. They boss them around mercilessly. First they keep a dog in a domestic environment which is so out of their nature, then keep the dog on a leash when outside, which is often, hardly ever, then order the dog to do all these stupid tricks just to entertain the humans. Ugh, it so galls me. In the end the dog succumbs because it’s not worth the fight. Even the dog knows that humans think they are superior and he works his way around that to get a modicum of peace in this life. Of these things I am always aware and when people talk to their dogs the way they do, I feel it. People talk to children that way too. It’s the way that says, “you’re here for me, to satisfy my wants”, without giving any consideration to the wants of the smaller fry.

I so want an egalitarian society that I get driven to do things I never imagined myself School’s auditorium, then getting the microphone to speak with my voice shaking pathetically. That’s when it all started really. That’s the period where I came out of the box. Soon after the 2008 bank crash. I knew I was going to have to learn how to speak out and make a fool of myself. I knew that nobody would listen to little ol’ me but somehow I had to plant the seeds.

I would go to conventions and talks and interject. I knew I only had two seconds, 5 at the most. I had to ask myself what were the exact words I would say when I interjected. They had to cover a number of bases usually. I would sit there and compose the interjection that would encapsulate the message I wanted to impart, while the speaker was speaking. I would have to also wait for a time to interject so it could be maximally heard. I knew I would be rained down on for interjecting, but planting seeds was of the utmost importance to me. Once the words were out, you can’t put them back in.

Let’s move closer to the present day…

I first heard about the Lotus Inn from a facebook friend Kim B, from a video she sent me. I explained to her I had to find somewhere to live, my partner and I were splitting up and I wanted to be with people like her and me — outsiders of the system. She told me I should meet this other lady who has very similar views as I do and wanted to start an academy to teach ubuntu principles. At that I was ecstatic because only about three weeks before, I had decided to start what I called a New Paradigm University. I was star struck by the synchronicity of our common ideas. Kim posted a link of a video made about the Lotus Inn, the place where this academy was going to be based. As Kim told me about the woman leading this work, Amanda, it sounded like she was a very admirable woman, a thinker of our age, an inventor. I watched the video as soon as I could and was blown away by the ideas and the syncronicity.

In it Amanda spoke confidently about the message she received from the mountain. The Lotus Inn sat at almost the top of a ski mountain and she felt moved to make an academy there where students would come to learn about ubuntu principles and other new earth knowledge and learn about the circular economy while also being immersed in it, like going to a country to learn a language.

I listened to her and was impressed by her calm confidence. “We can have everything we want -the earth is abundant” a principle close to my own. I was impressed that it was a woman saying this because usually it’s a man. Women speak up in these times but they rarely speak about what truly ails us — the money system. It seems women are highly addicted themselves and cannot see through the veil of this insidiousness. Women don’t have many women models to emulate. We might think that copying is undesirable but copying is how we learned everything. That’s why copyright is such an abomination. But Amanda seemed to be as aware about the matrix as I was. That is highly unusual in individuals I meet so I was thrilled.

She mentioned how well placed the inn was to the ski resorts and mountain trails and the great outdoors making the stay for students most pleasurable. The inn would be in “off season” during the winter and that was the time she was calling for people to come to the inn and engage in talks for starting this new academy. The talks would occur throughout the winter months centered around the glorious stone fireplace in the lobby of the inn with the spectacular copper hood over the big stone fireplace. It looked like the perfect place to have talks. I loved this woman already! Her heart was in the right place.

I couldn’t wait to talk with her but also felt a slight hesitation — would we get along?

I needed to get out from the trailer park, my partner was like a wild robot that had gone haywire. I needed somewhere to live. But I wanted it to be a wonderful somewhere. The Lotus Inn seemed to be that. They had a work/trade program there which showed they were giving more options than just the money option.

At that very same time, I had to go with an old friend John on the working vacation at Lake Winnipesawkee in New Hampshire. I had agreed to this weeks before but my life was so unstable with Chris that I never knew if times would be right or not. I simply adapted as life unfolded. He asked me to help him take three intellectually disabled adults on this vacation. He had two buses and we would camp by the lake. When I agreed to it I had thought it would have been good to help John and also to get away from Chris for a while. I had tried everything to keep our relationship together I felt, but getting away for two weeks seemed a treat.

John had assured me that there would be wifi at Lake Winnipesawkee but actually there wasn’t. The office did have it so I would have to walk through the campsites to go to the picnic tables outside of the office at the front and connect to the internet if I needed it. This wasn’t ideal however when I found out that there was no internet, I decided this may be a good time to get off it for a while and it would do me good to be off the interent for a while and I would enjoy the contrast. I would be able to get into the people I was with and also be with Ajax, my wonderful canine companion in a new environment, and he loved novelty. I would give my time to the people around me instead of the people I haven’t met on the internet. At first I was annoyed with John for not getting that part right, as he knew how important being on the internet is to me. But now as I write this it just occurred to me that he probably lied to me about it because he would know that kind of thing as he’s always on the internet. And he would know I wouldn’t have gone if I knew there was no internet.

Not having the interent too meant that I wouldn’t know if Amanda had responded to my messages. I hadn’t even met her yet and I introduced myself to her via email and didn’t want to seem as though I was not interested if she responded and I hadn’t responded back.

I made the most of the time at Lake Winnipewsaukee and vacationed as one tends to do. One night while everyone was sleeping, I took Ajax for a walk without the leash and took my computer with me. I sat on the picnic tables outside the office and got a good signal. Amanda had made contact and she was as enthusiastic as me. That made my day and I told her I would get back to her when I went back home to Vermont and I would visit her at the inn. I still had over a week to go though.

When I got home I didn’t tell Chris my plans because he would always subvert them. His hubris was so asphyxiating it was difficult for me to communicate with him casually. I was constantly in defense mode. This is a common phenomenon between men and women. I spent a lot of my time thinking about human dynamics especially the relationships between men and women. I made it my career to observe what was going on. I’d always been like this, the observer but also trying to be involved. I don’t know if it sent some people into a spin around me as they were often hostile and misrepresentative of what I really was about and even would miss my meaning. This made me stand more in my space which from my perspective made people look like their heads were about to blow up any minute. They couldn’t stand something about me, but they would never say what. So I couldn’t know. It’s like they themselves didn’t know. I thought that was most unfair. If one has a gripe with somebody, surely it’s only fair to say why and what would alleviate it but nobody ever gave me any clear feedback. It was obvious my delivery broke all rules of good speaking. I wouldn’t be surprised because so many things galled me and I let it show. I didn’t hold it in too much. But I never disparaged people, or at least not until the exchanges had escalated into almost total pandemonium. I’ve said my fair share of fucks but I take great pains to be honest in a kind way. This isn’t noticed, people are too busy with their sabotage to notice anything below the surface.

Amanda and I talked over the phone and we were very much “on the same page”. There was still that aura around her in my mind which enchanted me — a mature woman with a good head on her that’s not afraid to stand in her space and take that space like it was always hers, no fanfare either. She had grey hair she was no youngin. But that I liked too, a mature woman who probably has a lot of experience.

I think by the time I went to Lotus the first time, Chris had changed his mind about me again. And I think I told him about it because it’s hard for me to hold in exciting things. I say I think because he chopped and changed like that all the time. But I recall my attitude was relaxed and happy, not feeling abandoned. He wanted to be in a conscious community too, though I was dubious he would be able to get along with others with his ego and avoidance tendencies.

I remember I wore my most zennish dress that day, an old stalwart, and one I loved. It was simple but it shone with like a burnished gold material on the top and shiny burgundy material from the bust down. The first day I visited I went alone but Chris and I were on good terms. I went to visit Amanda particularly.

I drove up the high mountain and found the inn. A lovely sign out the front, not obnoxious, just simply stating the Lotus Inn over the top of the pattern of the flower of life. My heart sang.

The inn didn’t look spectacular. It didn’t have that look of everything being in the right place. Some parts looked a bit disheveled even. I knew I would fix all that up!

The entry door had a sign kindly informing guests that shoes were taken off before entering. I was happy to oblige. It gave the space a sort of sacredness. I recall seeing Amanda for the first time sitting on the 1.5 size sofa with a walker by her side. She struggled to rise up as I approached her and suddenly my heart sank. I had imagined her a vibrant, energetic woman. But here she was looking almost infirm trying to get up from her seat and catching hold of her walker. My heart sank more.

I don’t know why it sank, because it wasn’t long before I let all that go by the wayside. Our talks were so sprightly and connected I soon resumed my possibility thinking and dreaming — oh what the two off us could do with this.

She showed me around the inn and I was blown away by how perfect it was. Not “perfect” in everything being attended to because I could see that the housekeeping was not up to scratch and the plants were not properly taken care of. But those things were nothing to fix, to me it was magical. The gold painted walls, the budda heads placed in strategic but not too many places, gave the air a kind of welcoming zen. The hanging Tibetan quilts, the 2 ft sized crystals standing on sconces on the wall, the Himalayan Salt lights every now and there, the lotus flower ceiling lights, the little novelty of a sitting Buddha light sitting on top of a small guest fridge in the tea and coffee area that changed colors constantly, the mandala patterns on the bedlinens in the guest rooms, flower of life themes throughout, the plush welcoming rug that ran through the center of the sitting room, the delicately carved wood in the shape of hands holding the business cards on the reception desk, the happy-colored cushions on the sofas, the spectacular gong standing by the window with a heavily upholstered mallet by its side. But the most spectacular feature of all, was the place that the talks for a new earth were planned to take place — the magnificent copper hooded stone fireplace. It was early fall and no fires were started yet. But I could imagine the delight of getting ourselves situated there with other like minds who wanted to change the world for the better.

We planned for me to go again and we would look further into the databases and she would show me her marketing plans. She was as ecstatic to have me as I was to have her.

I met the others at the inn, Dahveed a most gracious host who looked like Houdini or perhaps The Illusionist. Always smiling and softly spoken and took the time to have discussions beyond the initial greetings; Robin the sound healer, a biggish man with a certain aloofness that was evident almost immediately who took care of the dishes; Horace, a Rastafarian with dread locks who was one of the two vegan chefs and also helped with the dishes; the first chef, Lesley who was noticeably attractive but very quiet and kept to herself. She also had a young daughter of 8 years living with her there, Lexil; Joanne who was an older lady older than myself, very quietly spoken and in charge of the laundry and changing the rooms; Victoria a young nymph who looked after the gardens and the indoor plants; Brooke who seemed to come and go a lot and who was the yoga instructor at the inn. She specialized in essential oils and blended me a lovely orange and frankincense combination that I relished the smell of and would spread it over my face especially near my nose so I could inhale the delightful scent. Smelling it was a treat. These were the people who lived and worked at the lodge. Amanda informed me that they received board and lodgings in return for their work, and a small stipend of $250 per month.

I asked Amnda about her disability with walking and she told me it was a surgery that had gone wrong. They wanted to amputate her leg from the knee because she’d had this problem for so long. My body winced when she said this. I could see she didn’t share my dreaded disgust of the medical industry — she was still in the matrix that way, and believed doctors. My heart sank but I encouraged her to do everything else before choosing such a diabolical solution. She said she was about to start physical therapy sessions again. It was the physical therapy that had pushed her to go too far after surgery and cause this disability she explained. To my mind, whenever people charge for their services, it automatically causes them to believe that the solution is whatever their services provide. That’s one of the ways money messes with our minds, but I knew nobody else thought like this, I was way out of the box in my thinking. That was because I had talked about money and its effects for many years with my friend Steve M who designed Synergy Nation. And I also joined with a few “renegade economists” one could call them, in the group that John coordinated in Newton, MA. We met every month for about 4 years, we went on two vacations together to one of the group’s family vacation homes in Maine. We had spent many hours together in discussion and debating the qualities of the money and banking system, driven by the Federal Reserve. I remember in those early times, many of us were not as aware of the conundrum of money, we had to learn it by challenging each others’ notions as they arose and engaging in many thought convolutions, discussions and debates. But after 4 years of it plus the studies I had done into the stock market before the 2008 crash, I knew what we knew was so far from mainstream thinking that there were very few people on earth who could converse on the same level.

I lived about 45 mins away from the Lotus Inn and would usually go home to have dinner with Chris after helping Amanda out with things that needed to be done at the inn. Our relationship was going well now. One of the many gyrations I went along with when I could — Amanda would talk about raising money for the inn because if the inn didn’t make money, the academy wouldn’t be viable.

My main interest was launching the academy but I could see her point about making the money to stay afloat. She revealed how the rooms would be improved by the new linens she had ordered with mandala patterns on them of various colors. They were due to arrive soon. We planned for me to bring my sewing machine to the Inn and we would set ourselves up in the yoga room and sew comforters and curtains and revamp the rooms. This excited me, as many women love to design interiors. I think if women were able to engage in life outside the home, and be educated, we would make incredible architects. We love designing and because traditionally and historically, we could only put those skills to use in the home, they were directed towards interiors. We were having a wonderful time getting to know each other and she often referred to me as her best girlfriend. She loved to be hugged and it was a habit I found charming in her. So much better than shaking hands at the end of a get together.

Whenever she tried to move to get something I would tell her to sit right there and I would get if for her. She was so crippled that I couldn’t help but make it easier for her plus I had tons of energy. I didn’t mind. She was appreciative and constantly thanked me. I told her people tend to take advantage because I don’t mind helping and they don’t see it after a while. We agreed we would be honest and open about any negativity that crept into our relationship and simply just speak about it honestly.

I set up a youtube channel and we planned and talked and laughed and dreamed. One night I stayed back and Amanda offered me a bed in the dorm which had 6 bunk beds in a large room with a bathroom and a door to the outside, and another bunk room with 2 bunks and a bathroom. There was only one guest in the house and he was staying in the dorm.

When it came time to sleep, I went up to the dorm. The sole guest was still up — a young millenial with the ubiquitous cell phone always at his side. We chatted together and he would look things up and tell me how cold it was in Montreal or show me videos of his favorite band. I told him I would be sleeping in the dorm too. I asked if he was enjoying himself and he said he was expecting more people to be there and he was hoping to meet lots of new people. It was disappointing for him I could see. We were chatting about many things and he was enjoying it because he was starved of company. I was starting to see myself as a sort of ambassador for the inn and asked him if he slept well in the dorm. He answered in the positive but hesitated then said — actually he wasn’t getting much sleep because one of the staffers came in and out during the middle of the night and also would shower. He explained how he had to make a sort of a curtain around his bed with the blankets so that the light that this staffer left on wouldn’t disturb him as much.

He showed me the bunk at the back of the room that had the light on that this staffer used. It was on even then while we spoke. The guest said the staffer left it on all day and all night ever since he’d been there and that had been a few days. That struck me as wasteful as I’m always calculating the energy used and avoid wasting it being so against fossil fuels, and I thought that was something the staffers would be concerned about too if they wanted to make a different world. He identified the staffer as the cook with the dreadlocks.

One thing I don’t like when I sleep is noise and light so when the guest retired for the night, I took blankets from unused bunks in the dorm and draped them around my bunk in preparation for keeping out the light. When I finished I went back downstairs to do some more work. Amanda would go to bed around 9 or 10 but I was a late sleeper. I didn’t want to sleep too late because I wanted to be ready and up at a reasonable time the next day so we could continue our work. I wanted to have breakfast with everyone in the dining room.

Ajax came with me everywhere I went and we always slept on the bed side by side but this time it was on a twin bed and he wasn’t comfortable. Ajax had abandonment issues and couldn’t be left alone in the house or he would panic. He was fine with being left in the car. I took him everywhere with me and would often leave him in the car when I went shopping or if I had to attend meetings. He would stay happy for many hours. Sometimes I would go check on him quickly and say hi then go back to the meeting, but sometimes that got him excited and disappointed when I would have to go again. But this night on the twin bed in the dorm at the Lotus Inn, he couldn’t find a comfortable way to sleep with me. He went off to sleep on another bed by himself. He was a very polite dog and sometimes he would surprise me when he took matters into his own hands like that. He liked to have a blanket over his head when he slept, burrowing into the blanket and making it into a sort of cocoon with his head at the top which looked like a turban, and his butt and tail left out — for air maybe, I don’t know. All I know is that he sure looks cute the way he does that and it always makes me smile when I see him doing it. With the light on and bothering me no end and getting up to check on Ajax, it looked like it was going to be one of “those” nights. I cursed Horace for leaving the light on as I tried to get some sleep.

Finally I had sunk into sleep, when the sound of a body came through the door past my bunk and walked up to the bunk with the light on. He rummaged away in something by his bedside. I couldn’t believe how loud everything sounded, though he moved slowly and softly. Damn that Horace, I shouted in my head. I couldn’t believe anyone would be so inconsiderate. And at this inn with the staff here who purported to be about ubuntu.

I was hoping Ajax would not bark. After what seemed like a long time, Horace left the room.

The light was still bothersome but I managed to pull the curtain further across my purview without pulling it too far the other end and let light in from that side. Again I fell into sleep.

Then again, Horace entered the room this time wearing nothing but a towel around him. He was going to take a shower! I had no idea what time it was but it seemed like the middle of the night. I was getting worked up in myself playing the story over of how he could be so inconsiderate. His shower seemed to take about an hour. And we had a paying guest in the dorm. I was beginning to see this attitude is what was keeping the inn in a less than favorable financial condition and why Amanda was so directed towards getting some funding.

While I lied there fuming over Horace, I decided I wasn’t going to take this shit anymore. I got up and switched off the light then got back into bed. The next time he came in he saw that the light was no longer on. He knew who turned it off but nobody said anything. I didn’t want to talk to him at all and he probably thought I may be asleep. He came back using the light on his cell phone. I thought to myself — yes, yes, that’s what you do Horace, you get a little light and not make everybody suffer for you. I couldn’t believe grown people don’t understand these simple logistics.

I took pause with myself and decided to practice transforming my by now very angry emotions into calmer emotions with a happier energy. It took me a while to think of it but a good idea came to me — I would offer him my solar reading light in the morning so that he wouldn’t need to leave the light on anymore.

The idea really pleased me. That I could turn this around to make something good out of something not-so-good. This is part of the self-transformation I had been using for some years. It’s during trying times that you know you’ve accomplished keeping your emotions steady, not during times that are easy going. I patted myself on the back that I had transformed the situation. Then I began thinking of how I would approach him to bring up this situation.

This is the kind of torture I do internally to myself all my life. I don’t know if others experience the same thing. But lately I began leaving a lot more up to nature, and trust that everything would fall into place somehow.

When I woke up I felt like I hadn’t had enough sleep. Oh well, I reasoned, one night here or there won’t matter. I could cope with that even though it wouldn’t be optimum. Horace was doing some yoga on the deck and I could feel his presence very solidly and my preparation to approach him about last night.

He obliged before me, saying “I hope it didn’t disturb you too much with the light on” and I began by answering “well actually Horace, it did”. He seemed open to listening but also added that as it’s a hostel he expects people would know that others would be coming in and out. I explained that it was not a hostel like that and that we had a paying guest and our discussion was all very cordial — we were new friends and we thought, co producers of a new world, we could settle our disputes amiably. I gave him the solar light and he seemed touched. I told him I have another one at home. I had given away two boxes of these lights to encourage people to see how wonderful it would be to get light from natural sunshine — without having to pay for it. I hoped it would get them thinking of the beautiful world we could build together.

Amanda and I were working so well together, it was like we were long time girlfriends just like we had wanted. She told me about Wasaka the American Indian chief who was coming on board with the academy and who she couldn’t praise highly enough. I thought it was stupendous having an American Indian chief doing this with us as one of my happiest dreams is that the indigenous lead us out of capitalism. I told her about the womens council I started on facebook that was loosely based on the Iroquois nation’s womens council and the constitution I wrote as a template for discussion for a whole new epoch. And my few connections with indigenous people begging them to start something new on their lands, a new currency and an economy based on cannabis. Amanda really lit up whenever she spoke about Wasaka and I couldn’t wait to meet him.

She was slow to move with her bung leg but to me everything she did was golden. She was a “doer” and I loved that about her. Her disability hampered her in what she wanted to do and she would occasionally get peeved about it. But more than not she accepted it and lived with it and so did I.

Tuesday morning the staff held their weekly sociocracy meetings and Friday mornings the staff held a meeting to talk about personal matters and connect with each other. I loved that they held these meetings. We talked mainly with Dahveed about sociocratic principles and Marshall Rosenberg’s Non Violent Communication. Robin, the sound healer was mainly into Non Violent Communication. I had learned about those two methods myself. I was reading the book on Sociocracy during my stay at Lake Winnipewsaukee and I had watched many videos of Marshall Rosenberg’s so I was very familiar with these practices.

Amanda would complain that she was always trying to get the staff to come to these meetings. One of them, Lesley on of the vegan chefs, didn’t like to talk. She didn’t like speaking so she would put ear buds on and listen to music, while she cooked, and also while she attended the meetings. It was strange to me that anyone would work in the hospitality industry and for ubuntu and not want to talk. I was honored to be asked to sit at the meeting. Though there were differences of opinion all around, everyone handled the issues as best they could. I knew it was never easy dealing with everyone’s issues. I realized that every person has their own agenda and was interested to see how this group would handle their issues.

This was new territory. We were all here together trying to lay out a different way to be in the world — as free individuals and as equals. One of the phrases that was said was “nothing is mandatory”, therefore everyone was free to do as they pleased. The ubuntu principle which is “I am because we are” and the bond of sharing was their mantra. Ubuntu adherents usually reject the notion of money, giving freely of themselves and sharing what they have. Everyone was here because they wanted to make a different world. This made me very happy to be at last with people like this.

Though Chris and I were now getting on well, I thought the Lotus Inn would be a lovely place to go to should Chris change his mind again, which I knew he was bound to do. I hung onto Chris because I was committed to our relationship. I wanted to “crack the code” in his head that couldn’t see a bright future together but I knew something had to shift in his mind before it could possibly happen. One never knows in this world. I wanted to give it all I had. His mood swings and diatribes wrecked most of our interactions though there were times when I felt he was breaking through to an understanding. Though he was an activist and we had many aspects in common, his negativity, impulsiveness and fear he was going to be tortured emotionally, held him in captivity. In his forties he had a brain injury where a restricted vessel in his skull caused him some brain damage. He underwent surgery and came out of it alive but hampered in his motor skills. He had to relearn how to keep his balance and retrain his mind. He had come out of it almost whole except for shaking in his arms and hands on one side and his walking was somewhat unbalanced. Other than that he was very high functioning and most people that met him didn’t know he had any disability. His mind was as sharp as a tack and he played the meanest chess anyone could ever play. He would annihilate his opponent mercilessly and put his opponent’s king in check without them suspecting a thing and he did so with some incredibly strategic moves. He excelled in the game particularly if he’d lost his queen while his opponent still had their queen, and could often checkmate his opponent with only a few of his pieces on the board. His chess playing was so new to me, it was not a gentleman’s game at all the way he played, it was like being beaten up. I would get palpitations playing with him. He was out for blood and you could feel it, even though his demeanor was no more fiendish than a puppy dog’s. It was just the way he played he would explain. I treated him as being abled, though I helped out when he had the shakes, carrying glasses full of liquids and that type of thing.

Our relationship was a series of hurling emotions. I never knew what mood he’d have at any given moment. On the good side, we would find our conversations more interesting than watching anything on a screen and we would converse for hours and enjoy every minute. I still can’t even bear to think of those times as so often he would turn into a monster to live with. He rejected every word I said, accused me of everything under the sun, told me that everyone agreed with him too. It’s funny how we women treat relationship as so important. I had really thought we would have a wonderful life together. I had come to Burlington to be with him after living in the Brattleboro area where I had a few friends and I was involved in the Time Trade and Edible Brattleboro, and had a little group of friends that made me happy. Brattleboro has lots of interesting, eccentric people which kept me amused. I had a show on the community radio station on Sunday nights. But in Burlington I had nothing.

Nonetheless I felt fully dedicated to building an intentional community with Chris when I came up. And we had decided to become “betrothed”. I didn’t want to get married which bugged Chris somewhat. But I still wanted to be betrothed to him without church or state. Of course that is usually a big mistake with men but I thought we were in our 60’s now, not teenagers anymore. He had been doing admirable work making his activist videos, I had the highest admiration for him most of the time. Other times I couldn’t believe how ignorant he was. It was like he was out to impale me. I was the problem at all times. Everything I did he blew up at. Funny how I lived through it now that I am writing about it. It seems worse now even though it was bad going through it but I took things a step at a time.

The first year with him I did everything I could to make a wonderful life together. We both worked very hard on the two trailers — he building a big deck and me redesigning the plot between the two trailers to make into food gardens. We planned to give food away to the residents and get them used to helping each other, not always doing things for money. We wanted to foster a cooperative between us where residents would invest 2 hours per month to help out with tasks that other residents needed and helping to grow food, prepare the soil, etc. The residents were very suspicious of us and thought we were there to tell them what to do.

Chris had an artist paint murals on two of the trailers. One was on the shed and had a colorful Vermont scene but the other one on the older trailer was more abstract. It showed heads of people with tree branches coming out of their heads and little picture stories within the mural — a man climbing a ladder to get up on a tree, birds sitting on branches and around the windows. The artist cleverly painted bricks that were rickety with faces on them that didn’t look very happy — this represented the current political and economic construct that was slowly crumbling away. A castle with flags waving atop and the face of the king wearing a big black moustache was painted above the brick faces. One of the trees had branches coming out of a head which spelled the word “think” but it was not easy to see it until you looked at it closely, then you could see the word “think” every time.

I used to look at that garden and delight in designing how I would transform it, and the things we were creating there. Chris made a brochure and we worked on the wording and design together. I helped him with his videos and did much editing of his articles. When he would have a “conniption” I would sit and talk with him and try to help him over his emotional upheavals. While I would do this he would talk about himself for hours, days, weeks. I began to notice after a long while that something funny was going on. I looked for answers in psychology and looked up videos with his characteristics. I discovered he was a narcissist and I was an empath. Though I used to be very well read in psychology, I hadn’t cared about it for many years. I had lived on my own prior to Chris for many years and enjoyed it. Living with a man to me is the same as a marriage. I don’t do it lightly. But for Chris it was a different story I was beginning to see.

Sorry to say I got hung up like most women do. And a pall always hung over me I could feel it because I could never feel at ease. He wasn’t affectionate either which took me a long time to realize as I was so busy thinking of changing the world and working on the garden.

I kept working on my own stuff in the womens’ council. Chris would argue about it whenever I brought it up. I would talk about patriarchy and that would make him incensed just using the word. I couldn’t understand it because it was clear enough for anyone to see that it was.

I refused to put a leash on Ajax because he didn’t need one, he was well behaved and such a small and intelligent dog, nobody felt threatened by him. But Chris wanted to appease the neighbors. This was hard for others to agree with me on, but I held Ajax’s needs more importantly than laws, especially silly laws like that. This was a constant bone of contention between us. Chris was not prepared to see it my way at any time. Thinking about it now saddens me because I thought his being an activist, together we could show the people around us there was no need to adhere to laws when the situation didn’t call for it. If Ajax was a big threatening dog that would be different.

At the Lotus Inn they welcomed Ajax and they were quite happy with him doing whatever he pleased. I felt at home there too.

It might have been the forth time I went to the inn to work with Amanda on marketing and administration, that we asked Chris to come for dinner and we’d stay there a night. I was at that stage, taking it all in. It all seemed so wonderful and exciting.